DogCigarettes™
A Dog's Best Friend
* Ranked #1 by dogs in a survey conducted entirely by us, in our kitchen, with our one dog, Nami. Nami was asleep for most of the survey.
A Dog's Best Friend
* Ranked #1 by dogs in a survey conducted entirely by us, in our kitchen, with our one dog, Nami. Nami was asleep for most of the survey.
ETHAN & NAMI — FOUNDERS
THE ORIGIN STORY NOBODY ASKED FOR
It was a Tuesday evening in 2026. Ethan was in his backyard, cigarette in hand, watching his dog Nami stare at him with those big, judgment-free eyes. And he thought: she deserves one too.
Dog Cigarettes™ was born not from market research, venture capital, or a business plan — but from one man's sincere desire to share a quiet moment in the backyard with his dog. Nami was unimpressed. Ethan incorporated anyway.
Today, Dog Cigarettes™ ships to customers across the country who understand the vision: sometimes you just want to enjoy a cigarette with your dog, and your dog deserves to enjoy a cigarette with you too. We don't ask questions. Neither does Nami. She was chewing sticks during most of this.
*Nami did not approve. Nami cannot approve. Nami is a dog. She did sniff the box once, which we're counting.
OUR LEGENDARY PRODUCT LINE
The original. The icon. An even house blend of only the best. Rich aroma.
Our premium line. Comes in a velvet box. The cigarette is slightly shinier. "The ultimate status symbol for dogs who are cool."
For the health-conscious dog owner who wants their dog to be seen as health-conscious.
Only 3 made. Each one is exactly like the others. Comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by "Dr. Nami, Dog Expert." Nami is our dog.
WEAR YOUR QUESTIONABLE LIFE CHOICES
Now you can advertise this brand to confused strangers in real life. All merch is for humans — Nami refuses to wear clothing and has made that very clear.
All merch designs are original and were made in an afternoon. Sizes run "approximately." Colors may differ from screen, reality, and one another. Nami is not legally a model and was not compensated. Gerald demanded royalties.
PEER-REVIEWED BY PEOPLE IN LAB COATS (HALLOWEEN COSTUMES)
Our proprietary NeuroSniff formula interacts with your dog's olfactory cortex to produce a sensation scientists call "a distinct smell"
* Not a real technology. We just liked how it sounded. NeuroSniff™ is a trademark of Dog Cigarettes LLC which is not a real LLC, yet.
In a double-blind study conducted in our backyard, 97% of dogs showed "some reaction" when presented with our product. The other 3% were asleep.
* "Some reaction" includes walking away, sneezing, and one incident where Nami ate the entire box.
Unlike our competitors who make dubious health claims, we're proud to offer a product with absolutely zero proven benefits. Honesty is our brand.
* We consulted 0 veterinarians. We tried to call one once but hung up when they asked why.
Our product has been described as "clinically adjacent" by our marketing team, which means it exists near a place where clinical things happen sometimes.
* "Clinically adjacent" is a phrase we invented. We are very proud of it. Please do not look it up.
DATA WE MADE UP IN MICROSOFT EXCEL
Chart based on proprietary DogSatisfaction Index™ (DSI). DSI is not a real index. All values were chosen to make us look good. Margin of error: ±97%. "The competition" was not consulted and does not know they are in this chart.
DEFINITELY REAL HUMANS WHO WROTE THESE THEMSELVES
My dog smoked an entire pack in 10 minutes! I interpreted this as a 5-star endorsement. I've since ordered 14 more boxes. My marriage has suffered.
As a dog, I cannot type, read, or understand commerce. Nevertheless, I love these. I am happy and can now be trusted with loaded firearms! Thanks dog cigarettes!
I'm a vet and I categorically did NOT endorse this product. Please stop putting me on your website. The cease and desist is in the mail. Also your dog seems fine.
I bought these as a joke for my friend's birthday. She cried laughing. Her Labrador ate three of them. The vet said he's fine. We now have standing orders. Life is strange.
These changed my life. Specifically, they changed it by making me the person who bought cigarettes for a dog. That's my legacy now. No refunds on life decisions.
I work in branding and I've never seen anything this unhinged. The audacity. The nerve. The sheer confidence of selling cigarettes to dogs! I respect it. I hate that I respect it.
ABSOLUTELY UNHINGED DEALS
Buy two boxes of Dog Cigarettes, get one more box of Dog Cigarettes that your dogs needs.
*of equal or lesser pointlessness
For $9.99/month, get monthly boxes of dog cigarettes, a newsletter your dog can't read, and a membership card.
Cancel anytime! (You won't. The form is very confusing.)
"The Perfect Gift for Someone You're Confused By." Comes with a card that says "I saw this and thought of you." Figure that out.
Ships in eco-friendly box (because we felt guilty)
USE CODE AT CHECKOUT:
Promo code GOODBOY20 applies 20% discount to your order. Offer expires whenever we feel like it, which might be already. Not valid with other offers, in alternate dimensions, or on Tuesdays (we've had bad luck on Tuesdays). Dog Cigarettes LLC is not a real LLC. This is a real product in the sense that it can be shipped, but not in the sense that it makes any sense. By using this code you acknowledge that you are aware this is absurd and you're doing it anyway. We respect that. You are one of us now.
YOU HAVE QUESTIONS. WE HAVE ANSWERS. SORT OF.